Q.  I am a 38 year old divorcee. I have recently married a woman with two children, and, in a way, I instantly have the family that I always wanted.  One of the reasons for my divorce was due to my inability to produce a child; and as much as we loved each other, my ex-wife’s dream was to have a family but I was not capable of fulfilling her dream. My ex-wife moved to Colorado, has not remarried, and has become closer than ever as a friend.  But here Is my dilemma and challenge.  My new wife does not want me to contact with my ex-wife because she feels insecure even though she understands that my relationship with my former wife is purely platonic and strictly a friendship. I have already discussed my situation with my ex-wife who is prepared to withdraw from our friendship. But I am not convinced as to why I should give up the life that existed before I met my current wife. On the other hand, I can fully appreciate my new wife’s feelings and point of view.  Can you give me a hint to create a win-win situation instead of a win-lose situation?

--John Doe, Oakland, CA

A.  Let’s take the middle road.  You may very well understand your new wife’s point of view, but you shouldn’t give up your friendship with your ex-wife.  If you stop the contact with your ex-wife because your new wife demanded, then you may secretly end up resenting her for it -- this is not a healthy situation for both of you.   So here is my recommendation:  Tell your new wife that you are going to continue your friendship and contact with your former wife, but you will impose specific conditions on your friendship with her.  One condition might be to get together with your ex-wife only if your new wife is invited to come with you.  Or if you want to see your ex-wife alone, you tell inform your new wife where when, and why your are meeting with your ex-wife.  These and other conditions like them are how a married man behaves, and unlike the way a single man would act, doing whatever and whenever he wanted.

Your new wife may kick up a big fuss about this, but this is to be expected.  However, you should not give in to her demands precisely because  you had a life, as you said, before your new wife arrived. You don’t need to give it up, but you do need to adjust it.  As her new wife’s trust begins to rise, her concerns will fall away -- especially if she is not overly insecure and has no intention of controlling your every move. Hang in there!